My brain spins at warp speeds at times, thinking of all the possibilities and alternatives in life. I am a mother, wife, grandmother, writer, business woman, animal lover, and passionate about my family, nature, art, music, and my FAITH.

But what or who made me the way I am? I was raised in a “godless” house. It’s not that anyone was a bad person or an atheist. There simply wasn’t any “God” in our home.

At 15, we moved to a diverse small university town, Carbondale, Illinois. I was lonely in my first year, so I buried myself in school, fought the loneliness and strived for straight A’s.

I had my dad that pushed me to succeed, to achieve a promising future. My maternal grandma lived with us and she had a quiet, joyful way of showing me how to cook, enjoy crafts, and love library books. She filled my life with so much happiness, that I still cry inside when I am in the kitchen, wishing she was still by my side,

But my mother was with me almost 30 years longer than Dad and Grandma. That’s when the Devil reared its hateful self to me. Without the loving arms of my dad and grandma to push down that devil, my beautiful mother would morph into someone I had never known in my first 40 years.

My mother was beautiful, always perfectly “coifed” with full makeup even when she slept. She was the life of every party and everyone adored her. She could put on epic parties for her work and at home. She roller skated, she danced until she couldn’t get a breath, she bowled a 300 many times, she para-sailed at 75 and rode down an alpine slide a few years later, trying to impress her soon-to-be husband.

Shortly after Dad died, she showed what had laid in check…that devil….her ugly Irish temper, complete with head-spinning ferocity .

My mother “struck” me with her tongue, and her nastiness until her last breath. I thought the sun and moon set on her, I desperately wanted her to accept me as I was….yet I never did anything quite right for her…..even her hair and makeup in her last months of life.

She had been raped by the family doctor, a friend of the family. It was a small town in the 50’s where everyone knew each other. My grandma had told her to keep the secret, it would destroy the “kind” doctor’s family. Then her first love cheated on her, blatantly flirting with my grandma right in front of her. Then along came that fresh faced, kind and loving young man….my father. He would hold her hand in the Piggly Wiggly, sing to her and spin her around in our small living room. His love kept that devil at bay for over 40 years.

And then he was gone. And I have fought that devil up to now. I loved her Gypsy ways, her grittiness and strength, her love of neighbors and friends, her love of taking chances, her love of color, flowers and the nature she craved. But I struggled with her never ending criticism, her finger pointing stating I caused husband #1 to leave me when my babies were young. Then again when my 34 year marriage crumbled like a house of cards and she choose his side over mine,

I have been going through a revelation of sorts for the last 18 months and my “cleansing” has been through this blog and sharing endless stories with my husband Steve. The buried love and hate has come bubbling up, for the woman who fiercely loved her young daughter when she was young, and then was jealous of her success…..me achieving more than she had,

She was a closet narcissist who wanted all the admiration and attention, wearing a crown each birthday, one that I happily put on her head. My son diagnosed her accurately one day, but I pushed it out of my head, loving and caring for her dying body for months, But even in her last moments, I was a disappointment to her. I couldn’t do her hair and makeup quite right.

I realized yesterday, that being raped and cheated on, and having an unfaithful and hard hearted father, had damaged her heart. She was two people….the beautiful and kind woman that her friends knew, and the hateful and demanding woman that haunted me the last 30 years.

It is now time to say goodby to both women, I am sprinkling her ashes in the Colorado mountains this Sunday. It is time to release her “joix de vivre” along with her Devil’s hand that has been squeezing my heart for years.

I love you Mom. Thanks for giving me your same Gypsy Soul, your love of nature, and music, and friends and your love of life. I know you are spinning away up in Heaven, dancing with Dad. I hear you laughing and planning your next adventure every day in my heart. Just like I am doing right now with my sweet and patient man Steve.

Goodby my sweet momma. It is time to let your soul soar up to the heavens.